Wales’s National Unexpected Rating has been upgraded to ‘Very’ this week, after strange goings-on at the Lambton Hotel in Llandrindod Wells. The Ministry Of The Predictable were called to the scene, after a young guest began to exhibit behavior hotel staff describe as “undeniably mouse-like.”
Hamish MacLeod, 13, first provoked alarm when he single-handedly devoured an entire mixed cheese board – usually enough for an entire evening sitting at the popular Powys venue. Later that night, the boy’s mother Janice, 45, called the emergency services, after her son disappeared in highly unusual circumstances.
“He was acting a bit odd before bed, burrowing into the quilt and gnawing the sheets. But you know what teenagers are like.” However, at 3am Janice and husband Ken, 48, were awakened by “an almighty squeaking.”
“There was our Hamish, silhouetted against the full moon, “ said Ken. “He’d shrunk to half his usual height, was covered in grey fur, and he’d grown what looked like… well, a tail.”
The adolescent mouse-child proceeded to prise open the bedroom window with a paw, before scampering across the hotel roof and down a drainpipe.
Regarding the possible cause of the mysterious ‘mouseformation’, Hotel Manager Angela Huston insists that no suspicious activity has been reported by The Lambton’s other residents. “We’re currently hosting a popular golf-club event, the ACP (Annual Conference of Putters). A more respectable collection of ladies you could not hope to find,” she said. “They always wear their evening gloves, even in the height of summer – sheer class! If anything unusual was afoot, they’d spot it.”
Nevertheless, following other unexpected events across Wales in recent months, the Ministry Of The Predictable are taking steps to prevent a “summer of anarchy”. The organisation have tasked their finest minds with finding a humane solution to capturing the delinquent demi-rodent. A Ministry boffin outlined their plan to The Bulletin:
“We place a large piece of cheese beneath a giant plastic cage, suspended on a rickety pole,” he said. “Meanwhile, in the surrounding streets, we construct a series of winding slides and a curving chute.
“As soon as Hamish takes the bait, a Ministry Agent releases a silver ball into the slide. The ball travels down the slides and chute, until it triggers the release of a second ball – or ‘Ball 2’ – from its position on an aerial scaffold.
“Ball 2 drops into a bath suspended on this scaffold. This bath has a hole cut into in it, big enough for the ball to fall through. Adjacent to the suspended bath contraption, a second Ministry agent will be waiting, standing on a see-saw. Now, here’s the ingenious part. The hole in the suspended bath is positioned directly above the opposite side of this see-saw!
“If my calculations are correct, when Ball 2 lands, the resulting ‘spring board effect’ will send our brave agent catapulting through the air, and into a nearby tub (Editor’s note: this tub is entirely different to, and distinct from, the suspended bath tub contraption.)
“It is my belief that this final, decisive action will cause the plastic cage to descend the rickety pole, thus trapping the mouse. We can’t fail.”
The Ministry dismissed The Bulletin’s suggestion that they lure Hamish out of hiding with dry, cheese-bearing biscuits as “simply crackers.”